Welcome to another issue of Retro Mondays, where we prepare ourselves for the future by walking perpetually backwards down memory lane!
This week I’d like to bring you a short book review of a novel that released last year. I know, I know, something that came out last year can’t possibly be retro, but trust me, all you retro junkies are going to love this.
So, without further ado, here’s my review of a novel that topped many “Best of” lists last year: Ready Player One by Ernest Cline, published in August 2011.
See? I told you. Retro.
First things first, here’s some obligatory background information. Ready Player One is a slightly dystopian sci-fi novel set in the year 2044. It centers around the life of the protagonist, an impoverished, misanthropic, orphan teenager by the name of Wade Watts. Wade is a lot of things, but above all he’s a gunter. What’s a gunter? Let me explain. In the future, a man named James Halliday (a sort of Steve Jobs/Willy Wonka figure) invents virtual reality and christens it the OASIS. The OASIS is basically the internet and World of Warcraft rolled into one. Everyone spends most of their time inside the OASIS via their haptic suits and visors. In the OASIS, you can go anywhere and do anything, as long as you have enough credits. You can go to school, take on adventures, meet people, travel to worlds that would never be possible in real life, etc. The best part of the OASIS is that it’s absolutely free, just like James Halliday wanted it to be.
But when Halliday dies, the big question everyone wants the answer to is: who’s going to control the OASIS now that he’s gone? Well, Halliday, being the genius he is, devises a virtual Easter egg hunt. Whoever can finish the hunt first and find the egg will inherit everything Halliday has left behind, including complete control over the OASIS. Hallliday places the egg itself, three gates, and three keys throughout the OASIS and also leaves behind a set of clues for people to follow. The keys, gates, egg, and clues all have something to do with the things Halliday treasured the most: 80s/90s pop culture and retro video games. The individuals who have dedicated their lives to solving Halliday’s riddles are known as “gunters,” and Wade is one of the most passionate. To win the hunt, Wade must face a slew of trials and obstacles, not the least of which is IOI, the evil global corporation bent on winning the contest in order to charge people access to the OASIS and make the world kneel to their will. It’s a race against time, and Wade will have to make some friends along the way if he hopes to succeed. Game on.
Phew, okay, you still with me? Good. Now to the nitty gritty.
I really loved this book. Seriously, if you consider yourself a nerd or gamer in any capacity, you will enjoy it and take a lot away from it. Cline’s writing, while maybe not the most original or clever at times (he sometimes uses tired cliches) is entertaining and vivid. And thank goodness for that, because the scope of what Cline is trying to convey is just mind-boggling. The OASIS is massive! There are thousands and thousands of worlds at play in Cline’s book, and Cline is skilled enough to show us just what we need to know, when we need to know it. About half of the book is spent inside the OASIS where Wade assumes the role of his personal avatar and is empowered. But we also get to see just how clever Wade is in the real world, and how strange meeting in real life someone you’ve only ever talked to online can be. The book addresses some pressing issues and asks a lot of moral questions that the world is struggling with right now. The seemingly age-old question: “how much of ourselves are we willing to sacrifice for convenience and escapism?” is always at play.
Speaking of escapism, I’d like to address the self-indulgent nature of Cline’s novel. Now, normally, I’d say “self-indulgent” is a bad quality for a book to have. And maybe I’m just smitten by the material, but in Ready Player One, I think it works. And not just because of the subject matter. In order to solve the hunt, Wade learns all manner of video games, TV shows, music, film, art, comics, etc, and Cline makes reference to much of what Wade studies. Maybe this becomes tedious at times, but it’s wonderful to discover what inspired Cline to write the book in the first place. I think it’s also perfectly in character for Wade. If I were a teenager faced with the same challenge, I’d probably write my story in much the same way, documenting a lot of what I was studying because it would be extremely important to me. At any rate, those who already know a lot of what Cline references will feel completely validated whenever they come across an obscure title or song lyric they already know by heart.
I could go on and on about this book, but I think you should really just experience it for yourself. While it’s technically listed under adult novels, I’d say it’s really more of a young adult read. But that shouldn’t stop anyone interested in the subject matter from picking it up and giving it a try. If you need a little more incentive, the audiobook is read by none other than Wil Wheaton, who’s name actually shows up in the novel at one point. I’d also highly suggest doing some research on Ernest Cline, he’s practically James Halliday himself! The man owns a DeLorean! Talk about retro cool. It’s also available in eBook format, of course.
You can find everything you need to know about Cline on his website: ernestcline.com. Shortly before the book was released last year, Cline finished the screenplay for the novel. Yessir, Ready Player One is going to be a major motion picture! And you want to get in on the ground floor of this project, don’t you? I know you do, so pick it up today!
Dedicated to: Grayfox, TheDarkAlbino, and anyone else who hates spiders
Hello, world!
Bet you thought I was done, huh? Well, so did I for a little while there. Truth be told, the avalanche of games that has released this fall has left me staggered, in true Elder Scrolls fashion (if you want to know a little about what I’ve been doing, check out my Let’s Play of Morrowind, currently in progress, on my YouTube channel). Also, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want this blog to be. As I said when I started this blog, this blog is not supposed to be only about video games, but rather about media as a whole. Put another way, I’m using GamesRadar and Laser Time as a model more than I am GameSpot or Kotaku. Honestly, I’m not much of a review guy. I always check out at least one review before I buy a game, but opinions are so subjective that I rarely know how I’ll feel about a game based on a written/video review, let alone a score. Plus, reviews take up a lot of time, (my Deus Ex review was a giant undertaking) time that I’d rather spend playing a game or writing something more entertaining, which leads me to today’s topic: my top 5 scariest fictional spiders of all time.
Why so many caveats? Well, if we were talking about real as well as imaginary spiders, this would have to be a much longer list. And if we included spiders that weren’t scary, Charlotte from E. B. White’s Charlotte’s Web would be so far ahead of the competition that any others wouldn’t be worth talking about. As a final condition, I won’t be including any spider/human hybrids, or any other kind of spider hybrids for that matter. If I were, Man-Spider from the 90s Spiderman cartoon would take the cake. Spiders that happen to be robots are allowed, however. You’ll see why…and, no, it’s not that stupid spider transformer from Beast Wars.
But why talk about spiders now, when the world is brimming with holiday cheer and people are emptying their bank accounts? Well, you may be surprised to learn that I’m not a fan of the holiday season. Sure, I get excited about seeing old friends and family and receiving gifts as much as anyone, but I’d prefer people were happy and generous throughout the year. The holidays seem to be an excuse for everyone to be less-than-jolly the rest of the time. But let’s cut this musing short: join me in some good holiday backlash and keep the awesomeness that is Halloween alive. Let’s dive right in, shall we?
SPOILER ALERT!!!
In order from least scary to the most mindbending, horrific, vicious, destructive wallcrawler ever:
Two honorable mentions from my youth:
Queen Gohma from The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
This game is not for kids
She may not look like much or even pose a threat to experienced OoT players, but the first time you see Gohma’s solitary eye staring at you from across her vast cavern lair…well, let’s just say Link might have to change his tunic after this fight. As if she weren’t creepy enough by herself, Gohma will lay eggs periodically during the battle which will hatch into spiderlings which will make an even harder time for Link. Furthermore, this mama killed the mother-f***ing Great Deku Tree, the magical guardian of the entire Kokiri Forest. I say, don’t be ashamed if your three measly hearts get taken away over and over again by this royal pain-in-the-ass arachnid.
Next up, it’s: Metroid Prime, first form from…you guessed it, Metroid Prime
One of the best final boss fights ever and a two-stager to boot
The ultimate combination of pure Phazon and pure evil, Metroid Prime provided the perfect capstone to an amazing game. And it scared the shit out of you. When this behemoth comes barreling towards Samus at mach speed in this tiny cave (are all spider boss fights in caves?), not even your morph ball ability will save you. MP can bring down even the most savvy Samuses if the player doesn’t spend some extra time during the game finding hidden upgrades and power-ups. Like its smaller brethren (the colored metroids near the end of the game) Metroid Prime won’t take any damage unless you employ the correct weapon at the correct time. If MP changes colors and catches you off guard, it will laugh off your attacks like they were nothing. Even if you manage to bring it down, MP has a final trick up its several proverbial sleeves. Metroid Prime’s second form is a giant, blue, transparent, flying octopus monster from hell. The phazon beam makes short work of it, though. The first form will always be the more memorable and the more terrifying of the two.
those eyes...can't. stop. staring.
What could possibly be more scary and more impressive than the above two contenders? I’m glad you asked. May I present the main event:
#5 The Fully Mobile Robotic Spider Fortress of Doom from Wild Wild West
(At first I thought of including the fortress from God Hand in this spot as well, but it turns out that thing is actually called the Kilo Crab! Sadly, there are no crabs allowed here. I couldn’t resist an opportunity to mention God Hand anyway, though, so go play it on the PSN now.)
What does Loveless have? He has an 80-foot tarantula...
How do you make a giant spider more scary? Make it enormous; add thugs, rocket launchers, and flamethrowers to taste; and throw in a pinch of evil genius mastermind. Bring to a boil and serve. Just when you thought Artemus Gordon and Captain James West couldn’t get into any worse trouble, this 1999 Barry Sonnenfeld film pulls out all the stops and delivers a shock. While most people probably don’t think this is a good movie (a 4.4 out of 10 on IMDb, really?), my ten-year-old self thinks it has a lot of charm, and nothing excites a boy more than a giant robot. Heck, it still excites me more than most things. I can’t conceive how Loveless expected to take over the entire country with only one giant spider that Will Smith and Kevin Cline take down surprisingly easily by themselves, but one thing’s for sure: it would be a hell of a time driving that thing down Wall Street. And the scariest thing ever to see it lolloping over the horizon towards your small, fragile midwestern town from your bedside window. Moving on…
#4: Chaos Witch Quelaag from Dark Souls
ummm...I think I'll go hold myself and cry next to the Firelink Shrine now...
Okay. You’ve killed the cheapass Capra Demon, SOMEHOW. You’ve bested the stupid, trap-laden sewers with those godawful curse-spewing frogs and defeated the vagina dragon by the skin of your teeth. THEN you wander into the worst place you’ve encountered so far: Blighttown, a swamp inhabited by a hoard of monsters Lovecraft would be proud to invite to a dinner party. Only Lost Izalith can boast a higher level of frustration and torture in this game. Ogres, giant mosquitoes, giant leeches, hell-hounds, angry natives, more bugs (and glitches), terrible framerate, cheap invaders from other worlds, and a poison landscape all stand between you and one mother of a monster. When you finally do climb up the large hill and enter her cave lair (another cave…) seemingly made almost entirely of spider silk, you are welcomed by the guardian of Hell herself: Quelaag. Now I know I said no spider/human hybrids….buuut we’re going to give Quelaag a pass since she’s mostly spider and only a little bit human. I mean, we all know the lady parts were only added so the trailer could have a little nudity anyway.
Make no mistake, though; this bitch it out for blood. Her flaming Fury Sword makes sweeping arcs as she skitters across the battlefield, spitting lava on the floor that does not exactly agree with would-be adventurers, be they in human or zombie form. Try not to shiver when you see this monstrosity charge at your face. Dark Souls does cheap scares better than most games, and Quelaag is one of the best examples of this. If you do defeat her and use her soul, you are rewarded with her badass, curved sword, one of the best weapons in the game. Tell me that isn’t awesome. Also, if you agree to enter her mute sister’s covenant, you get to have an egg for a head for the entirety of your employment…which is just plain weird.
And that's no yolk
#3: Aragog from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Go? I think not. My sons and daughters do not harm Hagrid on my command, but I cannot deny them fresh meat when it wanders so willingly into our midst. Goodbye, friends of Hagrid.
Regular spiders may flee from a basilisk, but one wonders how a fight between an ancient leader of a hoard of eight-legged freaks and one solitary giant snake might conclude. I rarely got scared reading the Harry Potter books, but Aragog, a basilisk, and a serial killer make Chamber of Secrets one of the darkest books in the series. And this is supposed to be for children? He may be blind, but Aragog has survived longer than any other spider in the Forbidden Forest, possibly any other creature therein. And ya, he lives in the freaking Forbidden Forest, the place where Voldemort himself had his midlife/middeath-crisis vacation. And this guy doesn’t give a shit about anyone but him and his own. He spares Hagrid on principle, but not even Hagrid’s closest friends are off-limits. Which brings up another point: an entire army of spiders are so afraid of this guy that they won’t even try to eat Hagrid. Now that’s real power, power even Voldemort would be jealous of. If not for sheer dumb luck and Arthur’s magical-deus-ex-machina-car to the rescue, the Boy Who Lived would have been the Boy Who Tried A Little But Ultimately Couldn’t Face the Horrors of the World and Who Could Blame Him. Yes, Ron, you can panic now.
#2: Shelob from The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
let's see...a giant venomous spider...versus a midgit with a toothpick and a flashlight...
One could argue that Frodo came closest to dying during his encounter with Shelob. And, for all intents and purposes, he should have been dead. REALLY dead. Frodo is almost at the end of his rope at this point. He’s gone mad with the power of the ring. He doesn’t trust Sam. He doesn’t even HAVE Sam around. Gollum leads him into the trap so easily Aragorn would have slapped Frodo silly had he known, and yet, somehow, Frodo lives. I guess it’s all well and good that the world got saved and the armies of Mordor were vanquished and all that, but Shelob got completely robbed.
If you didn’t jump in your theater seat the first time you saw her stinger slide down behind Frodo in the movie, you have a spine of lead. If Sam hadn’t come along and had the necessary tools, Frodo would have been a delicious spider-Slurpee long before anyone knew Sauron had already won. Elderly, evil, and enthusiastic about taking her time, Shelob is a classy, classy villain. Frodo better just thank his lucky stars that she saves her food for later. If you don’t think Shelob deserves to be on this list, just read Tolkien’s masterful description from the book:
And as for Sauron: he knew where she lurked. It pleased him that she should dwell there hungry but unabated in malice, a more sure watch upon that ancient path into his land than any other that his skill could have devised. And Orcs, they were useful slaves, but he had them in plenty. If now and again Shelob caught them to stay her appetite, she was welcome: he could spare them. And sometimes as a man may cast a dainty to his cat (his cat he calls her, but he owns her not) Sauron would send her prisoners that he had no better uses for: he would have them driven to her hole, and report brought back to him of the play she made.
#1: IT
Maybe the movie from 1990 didn’t have the budget or the technology to make IT in its final revealed form as scary as it should have been, but no one can deny the terror this book induces in all who read it. And Tim Curry was still extremely scary. Again, I guess you could argue this is a hybrid of sorts, but gimme a break; IT just plain rules at scary. I mean, I’ll ask again, what’s worse than a giant spider? How about a giant, alien, supernatural god-spider that masquerades as children’s worst nightmares, most notably a psychotic killer clown, and awakens from its slumber deep beneath the sewers of Derry, Maine to feed on children every 27 years before slipping back into hibernation and starting the whole cycle over again. I mean, this book/movie ruined red balloons for me, which only goes to show how great a storyteller Stephen King is. In the end, the protagonists do defeat the creature, but it takes them half their lives to put a stop to something that terrorized them when they were children. Talk about repressed issues. For god’s sake, the book opens with one of the protagonists committing suicide in his bathtub because he knows that IT has come back! If something can make you so scared that you’d rather be dead than face it just by the sound of its voice, then keep me the hell away! The best part about IT is that it’s a true Lovecraftian horror; an otherwordly, intelligent monster we can never understand who creates madness, death and chaos wherever it chooses to call home. In the end, that’s really what being a spider is all about, and that’s why IT is the best fictional scary spider.
Well, that’s it folks! I certainly hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it. Spiders are some of my favorite creatures, and I look forward to them popping up in books, movies, and games for decades to come. I’m even considering owning a tarantula some day, but until I find an apartment that allows pets I’ll just have to admire them from a safe distance.
Hello, I'm a non-fictional spider!
Did you like my article? Hate it? Did I forget your favorite spider? Let me know by leaving me a comment and/or a rating below!
Episode 2 is out for your listening pleasure! This week I’ve added musical interludes performed by yours truly and considerably more nerdy material. Leave a rating and a comment to let me know what you think! Enjoy
I know I haven’t been blogging as much recently, but I’ll address that more in the Sunday Reflection tomorrow. For now, please enjoy the new edition of Sean’s and my Let’s Read as we delve deeper into The Dreams in the Witch House. The action picks up, but Gilman remains as thick as a brick.
Well, so far I haven’t been able to keep up anything on Friday and Saturday, mostly because it’s those two days on which my social life usually occurs. Also, my original plan for Fridays, modern video game reviews, doesn’t seem to interest me that much right now, because, besides Call of Duty, I’m mostly playing a lot of older games at the moment. And you can get reviews for new games practically anywhere. I suggest IGN, GamesRadar, and PC Gamer to get you started. All of this is just to say that I probably will post some modern reviews eventually, but don’t expect them very frequently unless developers start sending me review copies. And they likely won’t be long ordeals either. The Wizardry 8 review took a relatively long amount of time that I can’t see happening often. Expect something more like Yahzee’s Zero Punctuation reviews rather than GameSpot’s. Not many modern games interest me, and paying 60 bucks at the launch of a new game is impossible for my current budget. Not to mention, the time it takes to complete a new game is anywhere from 10 to 100+ hours, and I am only one very poor man.
What I can tell you is that the surprise I hinted at a week ago is still on the way, and I will let you know as soon as it is official. I’m expecting news about it tomorrow or the next day.
What I’d like to use Sundays for is a more casual reflection on what I’m playing, what I’m currently into, what’s going on in my life, and whatever else comes into my mind. I naturally tend to write in this free-association style, and it’s both informative (for you) and therapeutic (for me). So let’s dive right in, shall we?
The past week I’ve been playing a lot of games from GoG.com. Most notable are The Last Express, The Longest Journey, Duke Nukem 3D, Baldur’s Gate, and Fallout. I hope to have a review of The Last Express up soon. I’m very excited about the game and it’s relatively short, a fact I always admire in a correctly priced game. I’m also still playing Pokemon White to an extent, but I’m getting burnt out on Victory Road, which I imagine is a pretty common occurrence. CODBLOPS is still fun for me when I’m not getting completely destroyed by people with better connections. I was finally able to download the latest update for the game after hooking my father’s network cable up to my PS3. For some reason the updates were just not happening with the WiFi, and I’ve heard similar stories from other people online. If only Sony could just make their system work all the time, then I wouldn’t even bother considering to buy a 360, no matter how much I yearn to play the upcoming Halo remake and Halo 4.
I’m still working on my Zedruu commander deck as well, and I think it is shaping up nicely. There are a lot of cards I don’t own that would make the deck considerably better, but that’s the fun of casual formats. Not everyone has to have every top-tier card. I’ve got my Sensei’s Divining Top and my Zedruu and my Sol Ring, and that’s all that matters. Killing someone with my Bronze Bombshell or Transcendence for the first time is still going to be fantastic fun.
I’ve been reading Matt Barton’s book, Dungeons and Desktops, for about a week now, and I find that it is a mostly adequate and accurate history of CRPGs. I started to get bored about half way through, I admit, and skimmed over the rest. To my surprise and shock, there is almost no mention of Wizardry 8. The only reference to the game is half a sentence at the end of the section covering Wizardry 7. It wouldn’t be such a problem for me if he hadn’t paid so much attention to worse, more obscure titles than Wizardry 8. It just wasn’t given its due in my mind. I was disappointed after discovering this fact and probably will return the book to my library unfinished. It is still a wonderfully informative book, though, and anyone who has even the slightest interest in role-playing games should look it up. Matt Barton has definitely done his homework in almost every regard.
As for movies, I haven’t been able to see a new one in quite some time. Despite the negative reviews, I still would like to see Green Lantern, but I won’t be shelling out nine dollars any time soon. X-Men looks good, but what I’m really excited for is Super 8. Harry Potter, of course, is a must-see, and I should have my ticket soon. If you don’t plan on going to the midnight release in your area yet, I highly, highly, HIGHLY encourage you to do so. The last movie marks the end of an era (almost as long as the time it took Duke Nukem Forever to come out) and you won’t get another chance at something like this for a long, long time.
(this trailer gives me chills every time I watch it)
And that’s pretty much all I’ve been up to for now. I have an interview with a store I’m very interested in tomorrow and I’m looking more closely at apartments. One in particular in downtown Iowa City looks like a good idea but nothing is official yet, and nothing will be until I have a job to take over from my work/study gig.
Pottermore.com. What’s this? It’s J.K. Rowling’s new website, put up in conjunction with Sony.
What does this have to do with games? You might be surprised. Go to the site, send your email address, and watch Rowling’s video. Don’t fret if your email address doesn’t go through right now; it’s happening to everyone. Just go to the site. It’s okay, I’ll wait. Done? Good.
To me, Rowling’s new pet project and money vacuum sounds suspiciously like one of the multi-user dungeons, or MUDs, of yore. From what I can gather, it’s got more in common with Zork than any major release put out by Sony, which just tickles the hell out of me.
Obviously, no one knows exactly what this is yet, but I promise that, if I am one of the lucky few that gets in early, I’ll be sure to bring you all the details (barring a magical bond of secrecy).
For now, I’m excited to find out just how interactive the site is, and, of course, I’m drooling to learn about the secrets of the HP universe Rowling is teasing.
We’ll just have to wait and see. Have fun speculating (we all know that’s what Harry Potter fans love to do the most). POTTERZORK will be coming to a terminal near you soon. Thanks for reading another issue of Future Thursdays. Want to get your opinions out RIGHT NOW? Leave a comment or send me an email.
Doctor Matt Barton is a man I’ve only come to learn about in the past six months or so, but the more I learn the more I respect him. From his blog Armchair Arcade, to his podcast by the same name, to his YouTube channel featuring Matt Chat (a series of interviews and reviews with some of the biggest names in video games), to his books, Dungeons and Desktops: The History of Computer Role-Playing games and Vintage Games (with Bill Loguidice), Matt continues to impress me. He specializes in early computer role-playing games and I don’t know if there’s any better source out there you can use to learn about that amazing genre. Much of the work that went into Dungeons and Desktops was published on Gamasutra, and I highly recommend giving those and his many other articles there a read. http://www.gamasutra.com/view/authors/910/Matt_Barton.php
What’s more, the man is an associate professor at St. Cloud University in Minnesota, makes a living teaching what he loves, and has a loving family of his own. If none of this impresses you, his huge collection of video games will when you see it in his videos.
Whether you’re a hard core gamer for life or a newbie just discovering the magic of games, you owe it to yourself to listen to this man.
